time.

The Greatest Romance.

2009-08-16T17:33:00.003-05:00

You were there loving me, when he never could.
You were there begging me for my attention, when my view was so narrow.
Well, now you have my attention.

People will never do it.
Friends will never fulfill it.
A man could never be it.
It will always be You

Situations will change.
Life will pass from one season to the next.
People will come and go.
One day i will have a job.
One day i might get married
One day i might have kids.
But it will still be you.

You are the greatest love story ever written.

You know me, You made me.
You see my inequities and my insecurities.
You listen to the ramblings of my bitter heart
and put up with me when all i want to do is yell.

I could not begin to count the number of times i have cheated on You.
All the times i have proclaimed my loyalties to you, yet jumped at the first chance of entertaining company far less grand.
I have cursed You.
I have slandered You.
I have turned my back on You.
Im sure i have broken Your heart more times than i could ever know.

Yet You continue to pursue me.
Against any logic known to man, You do not turn your back on me.
Your love has never left me.
After all this time, You still desire to woo me.
You desire to show me love
To show me mercry
To show me things you know i will find beautiful.

I live in a house with beautiful ivy growing down the side of it.
Every morning when i wake up and draw back my curtains, warm sunshine will flood my room.
You know i love fall and browns and reds and oranges and yellows.
You know i love the rain.
You see me smile after a good storm.
You are the breeze that comes over me on a hot summer day.
You are Elizabeth when we are driving in the car jamming to whatever song we are currently in love with.
You are Kate when i come over to her apartment in shambles and she sits there and loves me and lets me cry.
You are a beautiful Jon Foreman song that i play over and over again.

You are the greatest fairytale that i could ever imagine.
You are the realest love i will ever know.
You know exactly what woos me and what will cause my heart to smile.
Your love is extravagant.
More loyal and more true and more honest and more genuine than anything any man could ever offer me.

Oh my God, you are a mystery to me.
How you love me.
How you were there.
How you have watched me.
How you have pursued me.
My life is so fleeting.
It is so incredible to me the way you desire to love me.

What a romance it is to be loved by you!
What a divine love that you have for me!
How incredibly lucky i am that the Lord of all creation, heaven and earth, desires a crazy, adventure of a romance with little ol rachel cline.

Lately i have felt so unimpressive, so dispensable.
I have felt so unnoticeable and unnecessary.
But what matter should it be to me?

When i feel alone, when i feel looked over, like i am nothing special to anyone,
I can crawl into my Fathers lap where i can be exactly the person He created me to be.
I can be beautiful.
I can be silly.
I can rest.
I can laugh.
I can sing as loud as i want.
And I can throw my arms out and dance and dance and dance.

a conversation between friends.

2009-08-10T23:35:00.005-05:00

what can i expect. what can i do. i really have no control. give it up. give it over. freedom has never left me, ive always had it. i havent let it in. hardened heart. bitter heart. angry heart. guarded heart. i have no claim. you have yours and ill have mine. ultimately, whats best is best and people are people. news is just news. old is new and new is old and the circle never stops. recycle, reuse, redo...its all the same. the process is never ending, except the one day when it does. learning. changing. rearranging. use caution. know when to keep it up and when to let it fall. im impulsive. that is ugly truth sometimes. dont want to let this fall on empty ears. ive been a slacker. ive been selfish. i havent been keeping up with the things i should. give me Youre passion. give me Your love. give me Your grace. give me Your peace. i am one person. i am one girl. i am small, and have not got a single thing figured out. the more things i figure out, the more questions i come up with. solutions only pose different questions. we're never done. we keep changing. everyone is on their own road. you live in freedom. you have already arrived at that destination. i on the other hand, am lost. the directions are good, im just really bad at following them. ill get there some day. some day ill catch up. my words are too angry. i am too quick to speak. nothing is mine, it is all the Lords. im flesh, and He is the good in me. dont give Satan a foot hole, he'll turn it into something it never meant to be. what were your intentions? what were any of you alls intentions? good, better, best. you all know what to say. is it true that everyone will always play games? i sure hope not. not forever. not for long. i think most people are good. i need to remember that they are not always going to be what i want or expect. God is good though, and they can be good bc God is good. be careful. be aware. dont be naive. especially me, ive been naive. you dont always have to be a victim. i wont put up with peoples bull. i dont want to give anyone bull either. i just want to be honest. and real. and raw. be exactly who i am in any given moment. no shows. no stages. how will i do it? how will it work out? i have to watch you live in that freedom. watch you fall perfectly in line. i still have regrets. im not at that point yet. the one where people say they have no regrets. i havent gotten there yet. i still want to carve my name into what is mine. that 80 dollars i spent to try to give you something important. turned out it was just 80 dollars. turned out that i am still immature and could care less at the moment. turns out that i won that game. and what a prize i got. reality is now. its not next summer. its not in France. its not years from now outside on that perfect day in fall with all my family and champagn and "i do's." reality is lubbock. reality is statistics and french class and foundation and wesley and dry weather with no beaches and pizza and friends and new people and flat land and a 9 hour drive and coming to terms with the fact that africa didnt heal me and i dont have all the answers and an entire summer has passed and i STILL dont know what i want to do with my life. wait on the Lord. He's faithful. i believe His promises. i really do. but i am human. and im struggling. and i wont pretend that im not. His freedom has always been there. it is whether or not i decide to live into it. give it up. give it over. i will learn something.

At Your Feet.

2009-07-30T14:58:00.007-05:00

Sin is such an ugly thing.

God is the only thing i have to hold on to,

He is literally our only hope.

I am a flawed, imperfect sinner.

I am Judas, I am Peter.

I am a hypocrite in its truest form.

I am wholly and completely at the mercy of the Lord.

I am flesh, i am sin.

I am only made clean by his blood and his blood alone.

What has happened here is that God has once again brought me low and made me humble.

It is in these times that I realize how insignificant I am, and how completely and utterly dependent I am on Gods grace and mercy.

I am nothing good apart from the Lord

I must decrease, so that He may increase.

It is He who lifts me up out of the miry clay and washes the dirt from eyes.

It is He who gives me the strength to overcome the evil in my own life.

I can not rely on myself because I am not good

Apart from him I am complete darkness.

I am a wreck.

My sin weighs heavy on my back like a burden that is too much for me to carry.

The good that I desire to do, is not the good that I do.

But that is why He is so good.

Because He is gracious, and He is forgiving, and He is loving.

And I am undeserving.
He is God, and I am man.

What is man that the Lord of all creation should be mindful of him?

I am but a grain of sand.

I can not expect God to do anything with me or for me in the state that I have been in.

For me to be of any use, God has to be in His rightful place, and I have to be in mine.

And God is most surely always in His rightful place.

It is me who has been trying to be greater than I am.

My place is at Christs feet.

Humbled.

Repenting.

Submissive.

Devoted.

A Servant.

Lord, You are my only good.

You are my only hope.

You are the only one who can save.

You are the only one who can change my heart.

Lord, heal and forgive my past, and write my future.

White As Snow

2009-07-29T16:51:00.008-05:00

Have mercy on me, oh God

According to Your unfailing love

According to Your great compassion

Blot out my transgressions

Would you create in me a clean heart, oh God

Restore in me the joy of Your salvation

The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart

Against You and You alond have I sinned

Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God

Restore in me the joy of my salvation

Wash me white as snow

And I will be made whole

Wash me white as snow

And I will be made whole

House of God Forever

2009-07-26T22:53:00.008-05:00

God is my shepherd

I won't be wanting

He makes me rest

In fields of green

With quiet streams

Even though I walk

Through the valley

Of death and dying

I will not fear

Cause you are with me

You are with me

Your shepherd's staff

Comforts me

You are my feast

In the presence of enemies

Surely goodness

Will follow me

Follow me

In the house of God forever.

la dolce vita

2009-07-26T21:53:00.003-05:00

i was made for the city. i was made for the lights and the cars and the freeways and the tall buildings and the hustle and the bustle and all the different types of people.

i come alive in the city.

i feel alive in the city.

i feel free,

i feel like i could just disappear into the night without anyone noticing,

but at the same time, feel like im a part of everything.

i was driving home from downtown tonight with the windows down listening to imogen heaps new song First Train Home, and i felt completely in my element.

everything about this week has been so refreshing to my soul.

it could have not come at a better time either.

i have two of the most beautiful and wonderful people ever created as my best friends.

i wouldnt want to experience life with any other people.

simply spending time with them this week has been so healing.

3 months had been far too long.

this summer has been hard.

but this week convinced me that it wont be that way for much longer.

this year is going to be so different.

im done with being anything but exactly what i want when i want.

sometimes, i feel as if i might as well be wearing a big cardboard sign around my neck reading "Dont Bother."

because thats how i feel.

i dont want to bother with drama.

there is no room for it in my life.

i will stop things before they start.

i have no attachments.

i have 3 best friends.

i am 20 years old.

i have a car that can drive me anywhere.

my goodness, i went through so many different emotions this week.

for all the things that ive felt, i feel as if ive been gone much longer than one single week.

i found out what you are doing and who you are doing it with.

freedom is a funny thing.

it comes at the weirdest times from the most unexpected places.

im not ready to quite leave the city yet, but tomorrow i will wave goodbye to its tall skyscrapers

and its crowded highways.

ill say goodbye to 80's night at numbers, ecclesia, afternoons spent on my beloved westheimer, jamba juice, and all of my wonderful cafe discoveries.

im so glad that i call this home.

im so glad that i have this.

im so glad that its mine, and i know it.

im so glad that i grew up here.

i know how to handle the city.

its roads, its people, its driving.

"la dolce vita"

...what a sweet life it is.

something for everyone

2009-07-19T11:20:00.003-05:00

lots of bike rides lately, planted flowers the other day (they died), elizabeth got home, kat and i watched the sexual predators on channel 2 for 20 minutes the other day, met the most adorable married couple, our house got wrapped, this beautiful cat named delilah hangs out at our house all the time, we had our first incredibly successful bbq at the new house, i leave for houston on tuesday...i cant wait, i have got incredibly painful shin splints, i feel like im staring at a cory matthews look a like at j&b's right now, maybe ive smoked too many cloves lately, ive been constantly battling this particular lie that is currently fighting for my affections, rosetta stone has arrived and i have started learning french, ive been remembering africa a lot lately and clinging to the songs that have been my closest friends this summer, my mug collection has grown significantly, i love the disabled veterans thrift store, i cant wait to go record shopping in houston and eat at familiar places with familiar faces, i love my roommate kat, i still need to purchase jacks mannequin and the fray tickets, i keep expecting things to be different than they are and im constantly surprised when they are not like i expected, i need to stop living my life at a safe distance from people, i would like to give and recieve more mail, i cant wait to see my mother, i love blueberries a lot lately, i would like to know if you are ever reminded of the same memories as i am, i would of liked to know if it was hard for you to throw away that toothbrush and take down that paper in your bathroom, i wish i wouldnt have spent all those songs and ideas and late nights and memories on you, i wish i didnt feel vulnerable, i wish i had bought that harmonica like i wanted to this summer.

if we were birds, we'd all have tons of friends. :)

2009-07-15T17:27:00.006-05:00

i forgot how good it feels to be spontanious.
i like the way smoke smells and dances through the air at night.
i love my room and all the colors in it. it feels exactly the way i want it to.
i enjoy the feeling of being on the brink of something.
im learning to hate my red hair less.

today i am wearing a shirt that fell on the ground and got dirt on it, and i decided to wear it anyways.
the Stars playlist on Pandora plays the most wonderous music in all the land.
i like opening up to people, and im good at it.
i like that i like coffee now, and i find it to be a good day when its vanilla toffee flavored day at j&b's. (today it was something icky)
i can see the places where ive grown up and im not that 18 year old girl from senior year anymore.
i understand why they tell you not to date your freshman year of college.
i understand a lot more now that ive made the mistakes.
i dont regret making the mistakes.
i like that ashley calls me whimsical, even when im not 100 percent sure what she means.
i like that people still see me for the person that i like.
ive been so flaky and weird and low profile lately that sometimes i feel like i come off as someone different than the person that i am when im at my best.
its good to hear that people like the same things that you like about yourself...that its not just you imagining something.
i have a love/hate relationship with the fact that right now, i feel like God is developing, and perhaps even creating, a side of me that i have never experienced or dealt with before.
i dont think i can explain how much i look forward to seeing elizabeth.
elizabeth is my best friend and she feels like home to me.
kate called me yesterday, shes back in the usa!!
it was such a weight off my shoulders to talk to my best friends.
she's so wonderful and real and im so greatful that shes my bestie.
sometimes i feel scared of growing up, and then sometimes i cant wait.

im learning,
im growing,
im listening to new music,
im rearranging my life, mostly because i have no choice.
i was forced out of something i thought was beautiful.
i was uprooted and picked out of the ground like a fruit before it is ripe.
it didnt feel right for a while, and i still dont feel all the way there yet.

but last night was mostly good because it helped me to realize that i am still the same person.
layers removed, in my comfort zone, i still act the same.
i still react the same way, i still worry about the same things.
the foundation of me hasnt changed.

2009-07-07T15:12:00.001-05:00

im going to run a half marathon by december.
i decided this yesterday.

hindsight

2009-07-06T13:34:00.003-05:00

to be simple.
to be free.

to be young.

to be sure.

to be still.

to sit and breathe next to someone who loves you.

i was so naive.

its an itch that i just cant scratch.

its a bruise that you keep sticking your finger in

its a scab that keeps getting ripped off.

i dont quite feel like im living in freedom.

i dont feel like im living into Your freedom.

i dont think you would call this freedom.

its either smells, or sounds, or places, or stories, or people...but one way or the other, i continue to feel the echos of a life past that seems like someone elses.

i dont get it.

i havent been getting it.

CHANGES!

2009-06-26T02:02:00.004-05:00

i think im gunna cut my hair again. perhaps a good solid cut of 6 inches or so. im gunna do it this week. :)

im moving into a house on wednesday!

i felt like such a grown up today making all the calls to set up the electricity and cable and light and things of the like.

i think i may start a garden at the new house.

i want to grow tomatoes and strawberrys. but i may be kind of aiming too high with the strawberries.

none the less, i will still grow something.

i find that growing something can be one of the most fulfilling experiences.

ashley and i took really beautiful pictures tonight at sunset.

im excited to see how they turn out.

she was really sick all day and i got to take care of her.

ive found that i really love taking care of sick people.

i feel the need to be super creative and start all these wonderful new art projects.

but they are counter acted by my attention deficit.

so right now i have this journal that i plan on turning into this multi-media art project deal, but so far ive only got a page and a half.

i want to go to tennessee this summer to play on the lake, but i fear that that will not be in the cards this summer.

i miss elizabeth and kate so dearly.

they are truly my other halves

i feel so at home with them, and not being able to talk to them about life the past 2 months has been killer.

there are these new people that we've been hanging out with.

i really do wish that i felt more need to be my sarcastic, goofy, outgoing self.

but i havent really felt like that self lately.

i feel like a different more introverted side of me has taken reign for the time being.

i feel like a bit of an observer thats watching the rising action in other peoples stories.

im not complaining necessarily.

im fairly content with my lack of rising action...at least for now.

i would like to believe that life would pick up soon, but there isnt really much i can do about it

i want to buy a harmonica and not spend 160 dollars on a ticket.

limbo.

2009-06-25T00:40:00.006-05:00

Sabrina Ward Harrison inspires me so much. She is this beautiful artist who creates all these beatuiful pieces with all different types of media.

Listening to Mason Jennings either makes me feel all melancholy and nostalgic or upbeat and sunny. I feel like its good for any mood im in.

over the past week i feel like ives smoked my fair share of tobacco products.

a clove on saturday, hookah on monday, and then a cigar tonight.

i dont thing i like that amount of smoking all that much.

it just makes me feel incredibly unhealthy.

and according to God, my body is a temple, and i dont want all of that going into it.

i understand its a social thing and some people can do it, but its not for me.

ill stick with the occasional hookah.

i feel stressed for money right now.

i got a speeding ticket the other day plus two parking tickets from last school year.

i feel anxious about figuring out what kind of service God wants me to do this year.

i feel nervous about not having any idea of how this next year will go.

where will i serve? what is wesley leadership going to be like? is taking french and stats going to completely destroy me? what will i need to make more time for? what will i have to stop doing?

i've realized that i like to control the future most of the time.

i like to have some idea of what the future is going to look like
and i feel like that belittles the Lord and his ability to handle things.

when i try to handle and control my future it takes glory away from God.

i can be so foolish sometimes.

perhaps this momentary limbo is a big lesson i need to learn in trust.

I've always been very well provided for.

I've always had what i needed and most often what ive wanted.

To be honest with myself, ive been spoiled.

and i dont mean specifically with material things like money or gifts, but with people and relationships.

ive always had a way of making what i want happen for the most part.

i suppose i dont really ever give God the chance to be faithful to me because i always jump in and take charge.

i dont wait on the Lord enough.

instead, i get anxious and impatient and take matters into my own hands.

in the last year of my life a lot has come and gone.

a lot of relationships have started and ended.

ive tried a lot of new things.

and been to a lot of new places

my step mom left and my dad is alone again.

ive been to africa and back.

im moving to a new place and im having to begin to grow up.

im declaring a minor eventually.

i feel like im in the middle of two parts of my lives.

the first being my past.

being a teenager and being able to get by on my parents.

i was irresponsible and selfish.

i had an optimistic light hearted outlook on love

i always knew what the next step was

and ive always had plenty of time

and the second being my future.

i turned 20 and i should only have two more years of college left.

i need to start figuring out what i want to do with my life so that i can take classes and jobs that will reflect that.

i need to start being more responsible with my money.

get better grades. (turn things in on time)

like i said, im 20, so marriage isnt something i need to worry about,

but it would sure be nice if all the people that keep telling me that would stop getting married.

i dont need to worry about the future.

things seem a little weird right now.

this isnt a time in my life where i necissarily feel extraordinarily confident and secure.

i dont have a lot of control over the changes that have made me uncomfortable or that have caused me to step back and evaluate what im actually doing with my life.

i believe that God is faithful and sure.

and that in this time of uncertainty about my future, and trying to find a purpose for my past, it will surely teach me to trust in Gods perfect plan for my life.

low key

2009-06-23T22:22:00.002-05:00

i feel tired of being impressive, or at least trying to be.

dont get me wrong, i love meeting new people and making new friends...
but lately i have found myself growing tired of the whole process.

in order to make friends you need to spend time with new people, and as much as i usually like doing that, i find myself not being able to stick around at one place for very long.

i find myself in all these new situations with new people
and i dont want to impress them.
i dont want to have to rack my brain for some witty comment, hoping that they'll realize how incredibly funny i can be.
i dont want to pretend that i know oodles and oodles about poetry
i dont want to try to be edgy and outdoorsy

i like to paint
i like to be outside and go exploring
i like pictures and tattoos and traveling
i like new foods and sarcasm and art
but i dont feel like i need to showcase these things.

i will speak for myself when the time is right.

most of the time i know that i would usually want to speak up and be a part of the conversation happening around me, but instead i find myself being silent more than speaking.

i want myself to be simple.
kind of what you see is what you get ya know?
and lately, i have no problem leaving a group of people to go home and paint in my new journal.
i dont feel guilty, i dont feel responsible to them.
im not worried about how my lack of effort could possibly come off as disinterest.

im just tired of staying when i want to leave, or laughing when things arent funny, or telling jokes that i hope are funny, all in hopes of making a good impression on people.

i dont need to do any of that.
ill leave when i want to.

this all probably seems like something incredibly obvious to know. haha

i feel awfully low key this summer.
and theres no shame in that for me.

im learning a lot about not only being comfortable with alone time, but actually craving it and enjoying it.
mornings or afternoons at j&b's with a new book
going on runs
watching the travel channel and eating bowls of cereal
doing an array of arts and crafts
searching craigslist for bikes
and exploring my new favorite website etsy.com (online thrift store!)

maybe its because i spent the last month with 17 people and no alone time.
maybe its because i have a habit of losing myself in the company of people.
maybe its because i got so comfortable with people that were in my life, and im not ready to start over again.

but either way, the approval of people and the need to please is something i have abandoned for the time being.
and i mean that in the best way possible. haha

"im okay with being unimpressive, i sleep better."
....garden state anyone? haha

just what the doctor ordered.

2009-06-15T07:44:00.002-05:00

today it is 7:30 in the a.m. and i am sitting at J&B's by myself listening to Ryan Adams, eating an egg sausage and cheese bagel on wheat, and drinking an iced soy chai.

ashley and heath came into my room at 5 this morning with huge sheets over their head trying to scare me.
needless to say, i couldnt fall back asleep.

it feels good to be by myself in a place that im familiar with.
constant companionship from 17 people can be surprisingly exhausting.
this is just what i needed.

yesterday i was sitting in church and realized there are a few things that im wrestling with right now

1. the american church and its unnecessary facination with using big technology and flashy things in their services [sell jesus, not entertainment]
2. where does God want me to serve this year? I want to be proactive but i dont know where/how yet.
3. being more aware of what i need and not what i think i want. [listening and obeying]
4. being more patient and trusting God with my life. [bridge reference]
5. trying new things and hanging out with new people. [be more bold]
6. i should probably be more honest with people about how i feel.

i feel like i have nothing to lose anymore.
i would only lose if i didnt step out.
im in this place of not knowing, so why not explore?

i want to deal with the things that arent going to change instead of ignoring them.
ii want to scream things at people sometimes, but i dont think that will be fair.

i just talked to elizabeth online!
shes in germany at the moment.
it was so wonderful to get to talk to her!
since 7th grade we talked about traveling europe together, and now she got there without me.
im so happy for her but i miss my baby bear :(

alright, well, i leave to council ceta camp today and i still need to go home and back.

goodbye again lubbock...we shall meet again soon.

has may already happened?

2009-06-14T10:32:00.002-05:00

back from rwanda!

what a month it has been.
i felt like i was there forever, but upon coming back i feel like ive been here all along.

i took my first american meal since ive been back at Market Street and the second at Pei Wei.
it was glorious.

if you would have asked me what has changed last week while i was sitting at Mango Tree church holding a little african baby and listening to pastor Nathan Amouti talk, i dont think i would have known what to say.
but now that im back i feel the change quite a bit more.

this coming year is going to be filled with changes.
i plan on preparing for them as soon as possible.

my life is on a bridge.

i met ashley yesterday.
shes alright i guess......
psych!
lol i love her and hope she reads this.

im working One Way camp at Ceta Canyon this next week.
im pumped.
for a lot of things mostly.

mission #1: find a new church that i really love
mission #2: check out miracle manner
mission #3: live in the present and not in the future

this year will be a year of fresh starts!

i miss you elizabeth and kate.

we made it!

2009-05-13T08:42:00.002-05:00

we made it.
after 3 days of traveling.

Rwanda is beautiful. there are hills and trees and flowers everywhere!
i dont have much to say at the moment, which is probably good because i dont have much time on the computer.

we're staying in this beautiful compound
the people here are all so friendly and we played frisbee and soccer with some of the local kids here this morning
today we are just resting.
we went to the genocide memorial and we're not doing much else for the rest of the day
tomorrow we're going up to the school to get to know the kids and start painting.

the weather is wonderful, the people are wonderful, God is wonderful, im excited to see what happens over the next month.

ill probably have another chance to update over the next week or so
ill probably have more to talk about then.

pray for rest, we are all really tired and i especially am having trouble with jetlag lol

love you all! :)

wherever you are, there you will be.

2009-05-09T18:51:00.004-05:00

its saturday.
ill be in rwanda on tuesday.
we leave for dallas tomorrow
fly out of dallas on monday morning
first stop, D.C.
second stop, Brussels.
third stop, Kigali, Rwanda.

i dont have any expectations
ive been spending money left and right on this and that to get ready for the trip.
oddly enough, spending money like this stresses me out.
ive yet to finish packing and clean out my car to drive to dallas
im excited to be in a different place

as usual, i could write many a paragraph on the last couple of days,
but instead ill make it short and sweet.

pray for our team
pray for safety
pray for patience
pray for unity
pray for understanding
pray for strength
pray for growth
pray for the gospel to excell
pray for discernment
pray for laughter
pray for obedience
pray for change
pray for encouragement
and pray for rest

we have a wonderful team going over there.
all 17 of us.
but even more importantly, we have a wonderful God that has been before us.

there will be times once or twice a week where we are able to get to a computer.
and im gunna try to update my blog a bit about whats going on.
so, if you are interested in knowing whats going on over there, stay tunned!

this summer will be good for all of us.

have a great month! :)

5 more days.

2009-05-06T00:05:00.002-05:00

tomorrow im driving to Hobbs, NM....again.
2nd time in about a week id say.
no, its been exactly a week.
i lost my shot record that i need to get into africa, so theyre gunna give me a new one.
i planned on going alone, but now i have some friendly company coming with. :)

this morning was perfect i felt like.
wow it felt so long ago.
ive been up for a while.

it was foggy and overcast and a bit chilly
and we went to meet kate for coffee and breakfast at j&b's.
love that place.
i listened to Death Cab on the way there and the song "Your New Twin Sized Bed" sounded so beautiful driving through the old houses with ivy growing down the sides of them that dot Tech Terrace on my way to coffee.

driving home from coffee, my dear roommate kat noticed a house that was redoing their windows.
we pulled over and they were just going to get rid of all these old rustic window panes,
so instead, we took these jewels of a find off of their hands.
we're going to arrange them on walls around our house next year. :)

Gabi signed my lease today,
which means i can officially live in the house on 16th with the great back yard and lots of windows and ivy.
its going to be positively perf.
we're going to have lots of tea parties and outdoor fancy dinners in our beautiful backyard when its warm outside.
and huddle around our fire pit and drink hot coccoa when it turns winter.
oh the memories the five of us will share.

sometimes i forget that ill have school.
sometimes i dream up too many wonderful ideas and forget to leave out the moments where i will have to lock myself in my room and do papers and tests and french homework

maybe that will be all i stress about this year.
school.
can i confess something extremely honest and vulnerable for a moment?
there has never been a time in the last 4 years where i have not had some potential relationship impending with a boy.
and please, in whatever way you take that, please understand that i am not bragging.
i am rejoicing, because for the first time i am not worried.
i am not concerned.
i am not anxious.
i am not in a hurry.
and i am not wanting more than God gives me each day.

although sometimes its easier to say that i live better in the reality of martha stuart and southern living magazines
where every day is lots of fruit and making a dinner for the backyard
where every evening is warm and relaxing and restful
where people stop by unexpectedly and want to have tea and talk with you
where there are always front or back porches to swing on
and plants stay green forever.

i may be at a high risk of sounding cliche, but those are the moments i live for.
when the weather is just right enough to go exploring in the forests behind my grandparents pennsylvania cottage.
when you walk outside and the sun hits your shoulders and you go get a snow cone because there 1 dollar and taste out of this world!
when its 20 degrees oustide and you bundle up and load friends, a blanket, and a thermus of hot chocolate into your car and go look at christmas lights.

God is a gracious God to give us these moments.
these moments of bure bliss where we can look around at each other and not even need to say anything and just know that we are blessed.
that we are the lucky ones.
that God has provided us with all the we need to get through anything.
and we have love.
love that we can give away and love the we can rest in.
love that will give you the strength you need to get out of bed in the morning when you literally feel like the most pathetic person in the world.

we are all enough.
we are wonderfully and perfectly made.
our quircks, our sense of humor, our insecurities, our slip ups, and our epic moments of pride
all our gifts and our all faults make us perfect.
because my definition of perfect is someone who knows that they dont have it all together and is content in letting the light shine more than the darkness.

dang. aint nothin like it. lol
(please someone reading this blog get this reference)

Goodnight. :)

Oh Jesus,

2009-05-04T10:49:00.001-05:00

I only have eyes for you. :)

Genesis

2009-05-04T01:17:00.003-05:00

i leave for rwanda in a week
i have 3 empty jars on my desk that i cant figure out what to fill with.
i am welcome to ideas.

i feel like im living right now.
i mean duh, im living right now.
but i just feel like a lot is happening right now.

it was a wonderful day today for a bunch of people.
me and Kate had a moment in the car this afternoon on the way home from dinner i think it was.
we were reflecting on the year and where things had taken us,
and where we were right then.
and it became very clear to me that we had started all over again.
from the beginning.
we were exactly where we were at the beginning of the school year.
it was a funny feeling.

i was a clean slate.
everything that was for both of us had come and gone.
our lives had their own seasons that peaked and fell and then leveled off.

im glad for a lot of things
im changing so much
maybe you wont have the same problem that i will

i think that it is not a competition
i am not less okay because we are not in the same spot
i think where i am and how i feel are incredibly appropriate.
and like wise for you.

worrying is like telling God that he can't handle the future.

TODAY!

2009-05-03T15:28:00.004-05:00

how can i be expected to study in the state i am in.
there should be a rule where i can pull the "dreaming" card.
how can i be expected to worry about silly physical anthropology!!!!

let me give you a glimpse of my situation (forgive me if its "scatter-ish"):
the day is overcast and im sitting at j&b's with some of the besties.
they are all "studying" too.
im listening to Cloud Cult and dreaming of ways God could want to use me.
im a social work major and 20 and completely unsure of where ill be in 2 or 3 years.
im studying for my social work final and im reading about settlement houses.
and all i can think about is the community called the Simple Way that Shane Claiborn writes about in Irresistable Revolution and how badly i want to fall into play with that in the quickest way possible.
i want to intern there.
i want to be in community and love Jesus with those people.
i want to be a part of what Jesus is doing there.
gah its so great!
go to http://www.thesimpleway.org/
its so real and organic and natural and refreshing the way these people live to love and to serve.

could this be what you want for me Jesus?
one day last year i walked into a book store looking for something to read and that was the first one that caught my eye
i read it and it changed my love for Jesus in such a real way
was this your plan Jesus?
You have changed my heart so greatly since then.
is it silly to think i may believe that picking up that book last year was Gods first bit of revealing His plan for me?
no. i do not think it is. lol

i want to play under fire hydrants with inner city children!
and help them with their homework!
and plant a huge garden!
and use re-usable resources!
and think of new and creative ideas to raise awareness for, and practice social justice in my life and the lifes of others!!!

YEA YEA YEA!!!

the answers are really quite simple.

2009-05-02T15:07:00.001-05:00

im 20.
but im still an immature child sometimes
i still giggle at farts and laugh at the word butthole and play silly pranks on people.
and thats okay with me.

sometimes i like to feel like im so mature
sometimes i want people to feel like im so mature
but the fact of the matter is mostly im not a lot

and mostly, i think im proud of that.
if i can stay blissful and joyful like a child
and have tea parties in backyards
and hang upside down from swingsets
and build sandcastles at the beach
and play dress up in front of the mirror
and climb trees
and laugh at the occassional toot,
then i think im doing alright.

i think sometimes the answer to our problems is to take ourselves a lot less seriously.

and if that doesnt work...go buy a slip and slide, some lemonade, some G. Love, and a baby pool and throw a party in your backyard.

startin the mornin off riiiggghhtt.

2009-05-02T11:37:00.001-05:00

i want G. Love to write a song about me

my baby got sauce

your baby aint sweet like mine

alright?

2009-05-02T00:25:00.000-05:00

today was brill :)

2 months.
is that silly?

things that help:
1. my strong and loving savior named Jesus.
2. night times on balconies with friends
3. sarcasm
4. new music
5. free clothes from lindsays closet
6. the house on 16th street
-ivy
-honneysuckle
-sharing an alley with kate and lindsay
-potential grandparents next door with an indoor pool
-a fire place that promises warm nights with warm people
7. those people
8. not having you around.
9. Gods provision and getting 300 dollars for rwanda today!!
10. having no potential interest in anyone
-really this helps a great deal.
-not caring=not worrying=not hurting.
11. my mom loving me
12. people listening to me
13. art projects
14. sabrina ward harrisson
15. reading about other people being in love
16. summer trips and summer friends
17. lots of fruit
18. new dresses

it feels so much like summer
i feel normal most of the time
i feel emo sometimes
i feel like im getting old faster
ive stopped dressing up when i know youre going to be somewhere
a lot of my plans have changed
i am waiting on God for my next move
i still miss my best friend
but i know you're not around anymore
ive accepted a lot
im gunna be here an extra year
ryan adams is making my life.
i feel like i could write a book of poems
or just make a bunch of lists
but i dont want to be annoying
or over dramatic
but sometimes i feel like im ready for someone new to romance me
but then im immediately reminded of how unfair that would be to put someone else in that situation
and how unhappy that would make me.

eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh doesnt matter.

what does matter?
1. i have an exam tomorrow
2 i leave for rwanda in a week and 3 days
3. God is faithful to me and deserves more of my time
4. im getting over tonsillitis far quicker than i could have predicted
5. im sleeping much better
6. i got 2 dresses, a skirt, a shirt, a bra, and one stellar headband for free today!
7. the more and more i fall deeper into the one who loves my soul beyond compare, the less i worry about the man who will be my second.
8. i still dont know what i want to do with my life (although, i suppose that isnt quite that important)

why worry?
life will happen
ill get overwhelmed and upset
and go over to kates apartment and throw oranges off the balcony and rip pages out from phone books
ill purposefully put on sad music and lay in my bed and cry
ill be unnecissarilly pathetic sometimes
but honestly, this too, along with everything else shall pass.

be sad.
be pissed off
be angry
be confused
but dont worry
lifes gunna happen whether you like it or not
we are children of the Lord :)

this is what i see.

2009-05-01T13:34:00.000-05:00

next year:

a pallet of blankets in front of the fireplace, roasting marsh mellows, sufjan stevens on vinyl, lots of friends, and lots of laughing late into the night.

this will be in my near future.
thank God for the house on 16th street.

Hi, my name is emo, but you can call me Rachel.

2009-05-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

these memories are the closest thing i have to black and white photos of people who used to be around.

its a wednesday night.

2009-04-29T21:15:00.000-05:00

its a wednesday night.
and i have tonsillitis.
not to mention a cornucopia of other flu like symptoms resulting from the 5 shots i got in my arm yesterday.

I also have an exam tomorrow that i wont be taking until a later date. I've been sick all day. I feel like i've been sick all semester.

i've been sitting alone now for ehh, approximately 3 and 1/2 hours.
im not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me, im telling you this because perhaps it will astonish you.
people seem to believe that i am unable to stand moments alone.
this is only half true.

this past semester i have noticed my extroverted self wanting to be surrounded by people at all times no matter what is going on.
i leave one group of people to go hang out with another.
if im upset, i run to a room of friends
I also tend to think that everyone in my phonebook is interested in my random wonderings and frustrations, but recently i have been informed that mass texting is bad etiquette.

point of the story, i can be alone.
(sometimes)

my throat feels like theres a golfball stuck in it.
i hear you got that tattoo you always wanted.
bravo to you. i dont want to see it.

I think im gunna make it rwanda.
we did the figuring today and by next wednesday i should have the full 3000.
praise God for his provision and grace.
He will always provide.

I liked this thing Annette said today.

she said:

"I can not survive off of yesterdays manna"

i thought that was beautiful and real.

there was a reason why the manna from the day before spoiled.

Gods provision and strength is new every day.

we can not survive off of something He did yesterday.

we need new, fresh manna everyday from the only one true God.

I can not be dwelling on what God did yesterday,or last week, or a couple of months ago and forget to realize what he is doing today.

this is just a glimpse.

2009-04-29T01:05:00.001-05:00

one day, there will be a million and one reasons why you weren't enough.

one million reasons to forget your face and your arms and your imagination.
one million reasons to take your pictures off the dashboard in my head and give them away to some worthier cause.
one million reasons to take back that other shirt I still have.
and one millions reasons to not be angry at you.

one day ill thank you for knowing, when i certainly did not.
and one day i won't care whether I get to thank you or not.

one day there will be a million and one reasons why I thank God for not revealing it all at once.

there will be one million reasons why I thank God for this new pair of eyes that I get to stair into.
and this new heart that I get to share with mine.
I will realize in a million different ways that it was never what i thought it was.
and this time I will get it, and it will be right.

and this time, I will see that there are a million different reasons why I came to exactly the place where I will be standing when I realize that there are a million different reasons why you weren't enough.

"hey! Just because Im dressed in gorrilla costume doesn't mean Im not still a girl!"

2009-04-27T00:04:00.000-05:00

heres the thing,
this weekend was awesome.

there are no other girls that i would rather spend my time with.
i have the most wonderful girlfriends.
all we do is laugh.
all
the
time.
everyone of them: brilliant comedians!

friday: dressing up, cute dinner, park and swing set, going away party, father of the bride
saturday: work out, crawfish boil, friends concerts, baskin robins, phase 10, staying up all night watching movies
sunday: foundation fundraiser for lunch, my beautiful roommates birthday, cupcakes!, afternoon nap on the couch, birthday dinner, scavenger hunt, sand volleyball, and a night time bike ride.

it really does go by faster than you think.
it really is a wonder how quickly you forget to remember.
here or there, it doesnt really matter, im taken care of. :)

impending.

2009-04-25T13:27:00.000-05:00

what did you do? what did you get? who were you with? did you have fun? what did you drink? what did you say? what did you laugh at? did they give you a kiss? did you feel important and loved?

this is my impending lack of concern.
this is about my transition.
at least about one thing or another.
i can trade this care for another.

soon i wont even be here.
soon ill be somewhere new and different and fresh.
at least for a while.
where i can breath clean air from a place where the clouds look farther away.
little kids will laugh and play in the hot sun.
and maybe ill do a lot of crying, but it will be for a new and beautiful reason.
ill find new songs to sing out loud.
and take back new memories.
...at least if i can get the money.

this summer will be an adventure.
i need adventures with different and new people.
trips and rain and green things and sunshine and water and dresses and bikes.

haley told me i will learn to live a different kind of way
sometimes i feel so typical and over dramatic
its not like im the first person to ever feel this way

things i like right now:
1. vinyl records, hookah, sparklers, and laughing on the balcony at midnight.
2. "reality" tv shows about summer camps
3. eggo maple syrup cereal
4. soy iced chai
5. michael cera (boy from juno and nick & noras)
6. never wearing shoes.
7. still more mason jennings
8. She&Him and everything Zooey Deschanel does and is
9. my mom telling me that C's are okay this semester...? lol
10. collecting weird and mismatching mugs of canada and owls.

things i dont like:
1. the techno base booming through my floor every night from our kind friends down below.
2. the wind
3. pickles (always)
4. feelings too here-ish.
5. not having microsoft word. (what?)
6. stressing out=pig outs.
7. when other people make me smell their stinky hair.

have a beautiful and fresh weekend :)

Spilling Open.

2009-04-19T01:16:00.000-05:00

some nights i like to sit and let my daydreams run.
but at this moment in my life, i dont have any day dreams to entertain.
and thats just all fine and well.

i spend a lot of time stressing out lately.
thursday night i let it all blow up.

I want:
1. to live in the house on 17th next year.
2. more ripe mangos.
3. my room to be clean
4. to catch fireflies outside in jars in the summertime with a boy
5. to smell like a campfire
6. a really great bike that i can be proud of
7. to start learning the harmonica
8. to put the sprinklers under the trampoline like i used to do at the old house.

kate told me i need time to heal.
i feel like everyone is always healing from something or another.
its a process that can be put on hold or interrupted unintentionally

where will i be in 5 years.
after college.
in grad school?
in love?
in another country?

tonight i sat in kats room and read to hear out of Sabrina Ward Harrisons, "Spilling Open"
(after i read any of her journals it makes me want to go listen to Ani Difranco or Alanis Morissette)
anyways, we sit in bed and end our night together like this a lot.

we watched the most hilarious snl skit, while she stalked this adorable boy on fb.
she asked me where i wanted to meet my husband.
i dont know the answer to that, so i didnt say anything.

in the journal i was reading, i guess Sabrina was talking about love
she said:

"I am learning the reinvent what being with a boy can be like.

Maybe it is a fort instead of a movie. With lots of Shel Silverstien reading out loud.

Or a spring night with tea and art on the floor."

kat said she wanted someone to be in love with like that.
i didnt really say much though.
but i agree.

i dont think too much into things right now.
falling in love sounds so far away right now.
i am not looking.
i am not interested in anything other than a dashing, wreckless, deep and wonderous romance of love
but in no way do i wish that upon myself right now.

it will take a lot of learning, growing, and releasing.
im 20.
im young
im happy
im messy.

i still dont do my laundry enough,
and i havent seen the rug on the floor of my room in months,
i cant seem to remember to send my grandma a support letter
and if i had a pet, im sure i wouldnt take care of it
...im obviously in no condition to be in love.

Houston

2009-04-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

Houston.
how do i love thee, let me count the ways,

Montrose and Westhiemer
Taxi Taxi
Agoras
The Empire Cafe
Old Treasures and New Ones Too
tucked away bayous and tire swings
River Oaks at Christmas time
Memorial Park
Charascos
Project Green
The Houston Zoo
Trash and Treasures Antique Store
The Childrens Museum
The Museum of Fine Arts
bungalows covered in ivy
Ecclesia
Niko Niko's
Numbers
The Wharehouse Live

Ive had so many good memories with you Houston.
How you have been good to me.
You've seen me through highschool and senior year when i made it my mission to go to as many concerts and shows as i could feasibly afford as a high school student.
You saw me dance like a maniac on Friday night 80's night at Numbers.
You were there when i turned 18 and decided it would be a good idea to go out and get a tattoo.
You produced plenty of good food for my family to enjoy on various holidays.
You provided plenty of backroads and allys for two best friends to explore
You watched as a beautiful girl and a handsome boy grew up in love.
You were there to escape to when the world inside this cold and empty house was too much to bear.
You had tree lined roads to travel and listen to new music on.
Youve been one of my dearest friends over the years.
From one period of my life to the next.
Im not sad.

I am a blessed individual with the chance to explore my dreams and watch and encourage others to explore theirs.

what a peaceful weekend it has been :)

2009-04-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

I didnt want to come home this weekend. For a million different reasons really. But i did, and what a true blessing it has been to my soul.

I feel like ive learned so much in just the past 3 days.
This weekend has been nothing but peace and rest for me.
And the wildest part of it all is that ive spent every moment with my father.

How wonderfully mysterious is the Lord and the way he chooses to show up.

God really layed it on my heart on the 10 hour drive home friday that im not coming home for me, im coming home for him. My dad.

I have never been one for patience with my dad. I complain about his lack of understanding when i talk to him about wanting to be a missionary. But how can i possibly expect him to see or understand how much i love the Lord if im not showing him that same love the Lord shows me.

To begin loving him, I have to forgive him. And to forgive him, i have to surrender my bitterness to the Lord. When i do that, he is no longer the father that i could have done without, he is no longer the man that i blame all my insecurities on. He is a child of the Lord. The Lord longs for his heart and i am in the perfect position to have an enormous impact on how he views Christ.
If i love those who are easy to love, then what purpose is that?

Home is a different place for me now.
I thought this would be a hard trip. I didnt know if i was ready to face old places with old memories. But God has been making me a new creation. I am finding this more and more to be true, the Lord is faithful to those who wait on Him.

it just takes some getting used to.

2009-04-06T14:41:00.000-05:00

it got too loud in here.

bitter enemy or gracious friend?

2009-04-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

time.
its the one thing we all have in common.

what do i have time for?
i have time to heal.
i have time to grow.
i have time to learn.

what do i want to make time for?
i want to make more time to forgive (and forget) lovingly.
and to nurture my heart and the things that give me joy.
i want to take more time to tell people honest things that they need to hear.
and to be more honest with myself.
i want to make more time for cleaning up the clutter...
in my room and in my life.
i wanted to have more time to love you.
i want more hours in the day where i let the sun kiss my shoulders.
and more time to drive around with friends.

time has been a kind friend and a bitter enemy over the years.
"just give it time"
"time heals all wounds"
"i wish i had more time"
"if only the time would pass more quickly"
"time well spent"

do we want more or less time?
it depends on what time can do for me in the state that i am in.
is time healing me of a broken heart?
or is it keeping me like a prisoner thats waiting to serve their sentence.
either way, its going to going to pass whether i like it or not.

i can look back and thank time for the places in my life that it has taken me away from.
thats usually how it works though.
i appreciate time more when it has passed.

but at the same time, i can remember sufjan stevens on vinyl on a bedroom floor and checkers and coffee and omletts and chocolate chips at 3am and wishing that time would give me just a little longer.
thats usually when i hate time the most...
one minute you have it, and then the next you dont.

time is great at helping me realize how small i am.
its great at showing me how smart God is and how clueless i am to believe that my way is the best way.
it great at revealing to me the mistakes ive made and what i deserve.

right now, time could pass slowly or quickly.
i doesnt matter to me.
sure, theres things that i look forward to in the coming months,
but to be honest, i look forward to next weekend, and the weekend after that, and so and so forth.

new memories will become more important than old ones
songs you thought you couldnt listen to will creep back into your life
and people from time to time will give you a smile.